Granny's Sex Advice

SPECIAL VALENTINE’S MESSAGE FROM GRANNY

Before I begin doling out sex advice, I’ll state my qualifications: One, I’m experienced. This will be my 50th year of having sex (not continuously). Two: Granny is no prude – I invented the lap dance in the front seat of a 1957 Chevy at the Olympic Drive-In. Later I was a foot soldier during the sexual revolution. I got crabs at Woodstock so that the next generation of women could enjoy randomly giving away the milk without making him buy the cow. So, please, have some respect.

Fellow women - want to know how to get men to stop hating Valentine’s Day? Make it free. Free him of the torture of buying you a gift or a fancy dinner. Be the first on your block to reward your First Dude with this Get-Out-of-Valentine’s Day-Free Card.

MY PLAN

HIM: All he has to do is come home, take a shower and follow you into the bedroom (Believe me you will get no argument).

YOU: All you have to do is all the work; but you’re used to it. Valentine’s Night, you cannot go wrong giving him his own private Victoria’s Secret fashion show. “But Granny,” you’re whining, “what if I look more like Kirsty Ally than Paris Hilton?” Not a problem. Two things all men like (whether they know it or not) - black and lace. Comes in all sizes. Still too fat? There’s an app for that – it’s called the 25-watt bulb.

Trust Granny on this: Spice it up and he will be like putty in your hands and vice versa. After your show, let nature take its course and a good time will be had by all. Spice it up and Valentine’s Day will become BOTH your favorite holiday! Spice it up!  ***

One Happy Governor

Vaginas, Brains NOT Communicating?!

Vaginas, Brains NOT Communicating?! *
By
Karyl Miller
2/2/2009
MillerReport.blogspot.com

Do Women still say no when their vaginas say yes? And, could the reverse be true? I recently read an article in the New York Times about a university study done to determine the human mind-genitalia connection. For the test, men wore some sort of wiener-shaped device with electrodes attached. Women had an electrode straw inserted you-know-where.

Anyway, once wired-up and plugged in they were shown short sexy videos. Their physical arousal levels were then measured (and here’s where the test gets In-terrresting) while subjects were asked to simultaneously rate their own mental arousal levels.
Men’s and women’s connections between their brains and their genitalia was then analyzed by a team of crack scientists (no pun intended).

THE RESULT: Men’s brains and penises were in 100 % complete agreement, whereas women were all over the map and often rated themselves as not horny despite their vaginas/electrodes saying “Me want nookie nookie now!” (And I’m paraphrasing here.) Somebody got big bucks university grant money to find out SCIENTIFICALLY that a woman isn’t governed by her crotch?! To which I say Duh! I kid you not. Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up!

To review: A lab monkey or in this case a woman, has a foreign object buried in her most private, sensitive and damp region which connects to something e-lec-trical? She’s lying in a cold, sterile, brightly lit hospital-y lab. She’s wearing (one assumes) no bottoms of any kind. She’s supposed to watch porno videos and surrender to her lust while a cadre of scientists wait breathlessly on the other side of the glass for her muffin to heat up. And she wasn’t mentally aroused?

Science wants to know: If the vagina says yes and the brain says no, Why? Every woman knows if your brain says no, it probably has a very good reason. No matter how cute our vagina thinks a guy is – our brain says “Wait. Be careful. First find out if the monkey is tamed.” It’s common knowledge that for a woman’s brain and vagina to be in complete agreement, everything must be perfect: Lights down low. Door locked. Sheets clean. Music soft. TV off. Everyone freshly showered. Dog outside. Nobody ate onions or beans. She doesn’t feel bloated or fat. Etc. Etc. Etc.

There was study a bunch of years ago (you can Google it – I don’t have time) where they found out that men thought about sex every 12 seconds whereas women thought about sex every New Year’s Eve. My theory about why men think about sex so much more often: Men look at and touch their wee wees every day to pee so they’re constantly reminded of sex. Conversely, women never see their genitalia unless they squat over a hand mirror. I haven’t seen mine in years. There’s no reason to look.

Next time a university wants to throw millions of research dollars at the subject “What Women Want,” they can just give me a call. I’ll tell them everything they want to know for half the price.

*No facts were checked in the writing of this article.

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