Thursday, September 25, 2008

Jimmy Stewart for Prez

Karyl Miller

For weeks I’ve been sending out my Beyond the Palin left-leaning cartoons and blogs and exchanging further evidence with fellow Democrats that We’re making the right choice (and They’re not). I’ve been careful not to send anything to Republican friends because if a Repub friend started sending me the right-wing blogs and ‘toons, our friendship would surely be tested. Nevertheless, one of my ‘toons got sent to a Repub pal and I was soon confronted by my otherwise normal, sensible friend who told me Obama was actually a secret witch doctor, that he channels Malcolm X through his dental fillings, and that he honeymooned in outer space with Louis Farrakhan. All I could think was - This guy is never voting for a black man, period.

Maybe I’d be brainwashed too if I watched FOX “news” 24/7. Thankfully I have Keith Olbermann, Rachael Maddow, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert to keep me unbiased and reasonable.

Maybe party affiliation is the new religion and trying to convert somebody would be impossible. I certainly could no more switch my political party than I could switch my religion and start beating myself with pom-poms, only instead of crepe paper they’re made out of chains. That would be ridiculous, IMHO.

However, most exasperating are the independents/Undecideds because this last leg of the campaign dog and pony show is all for them - the namby-pambies who can’t make a damn decision. Could the candidates be any more opposite? Doesn’t that make choosing a candidate EASIER? Yet they can’t decide. They’re like the fat lady sashaying back and forth past the sample cheese plate at Whole Foods, testing and retesting the munchies, wondering “which do I like more? Muenster or Cheddar? Obama or McCain? Which makes my tongue happiest?” I pity the poor candidates busting their humps to win the favor of these ninnies.

A recent study, by me, surmises that Independent/undecided voters are overwhelmingly products of mixed marriages where the mother was a Democrat and the father a Republican or vice versa so the kids grew up not knowing WHO they were because they were constantly being torn apart to favor Mommy’s or Daddy’s candidate. So once these schizos finally take a stand, they’re automatically rejecting one of their parents, Freudianly speaking. So naturally, they’re postponing that ugly feeling till the last possible moment. One Woman On The Street on the Today show said she wasn’t going to decide till she closes the curtain in the voting booth. Wow! That is soo Freudian!

Who the hell ISN’T hanging up on robocall phone polls? I’ve got zero time to answer any robocalls or sales pitches. So who DOES have the time? ANSWER 1. Old people who have no one else to talk but their TVs and their doctors. 2. Unemployed couch potatoes, drug addicts and drunks. They’ve got plenty of time and plenty of opinions – no matter how stupid; also it’s too late to call in to C-SPAN.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN ON THE STREET! He’s just some schlub who wants to be on TV. There are plenty of ordinary people only too happy to help feed the 24-hour newsmonster. I say, never be a performing monkey for the 5 o’clock news. Don’t give them the answer they keep trying to squeeze out of you because if you do – THAT could be the ONLY byte that MAKES THE AIRWAVES. And it will live in infamy.

Barbara Walters and Lesley Stahl have a combined age of 210 years and yet they look fantastic! There’s no place in the media for ordinary looking people anymore and that goes for local (must be busty) weather girls, game show contestants and politicians. Everybody must be beautiful. The public has come to expect it.

Maybe we’re picking candidates based on their looks, but we’re unaware of it. Even if we were, who would say they voted for a candidate because “He was the cutest?” No one wants to be that shallow, but you’ve got to admit looks figure somewhat into the equation. If the Elephant Man was running for president, would you vote for him? Be honest!

IMHO McCain is a 1, the lowest rating on the beauty scale. Obama’s a 9 for being handsome in a black Jerry Lewis sort of way. Edwards went from a 10 to a 2 after he screwed the pooch. Mitt Romney is a 10+ because he looks like was drawn by Milton Caniff. If Dennis Kucinich looked like Mitt Romney, he’d be our candidate right now. Kucinich balanced out his ugly score by marrying a 10. Logic says a short ugly old guy couldn’t be elected president in these beautiful times. That’s why McCain hooked-up with Palin.

Palin won’t be the first pretty politician people fell for. Our first dumb president, hunky movie star Ronald Reagan, comes to mind. He pranced around in a cowboy outfit and convinced the American public he could play the part of governor and then president. Maybe what we’re looking for is a president who can give us a Hollywood ending – like Jimmy Stewart did in “It’s A Wonderful Life,” stopping the run on the banks and saving everybody’s mortgage. We want someone who can give us what we always get in fiction - a happy ending.